Mom’s funeral is tomorrow.  Oops, make that today. I wish I was feeling better physically– I’ve gotten very drained and depleted– but that’s  just another unfufilled, impossible desire, another checked box on a long list of suboptimal circumstances.

I can’t accept that I’ll never see her again.

I have been recieving lots of sympathy cards and thoughtful words from caring folks. Many have commented to me that my mom will live on in my heart.  I think that idea will resonate with me in the future, but now much of what I’m grieving is forever gone: her smile, her laughter, the way she smelled, the way her hair felt between my fingers. I don’t believe in an afterlife, at least not one where human characteristics are maintained.  If any part of her spirit endured, it has transformed into something that isn’t very much like Janelle Shiner. So, yes. She will survive in my memory, but these aspects of her that I love so very much have vanished forever, gone to dust.

I can’t accept that I’ll never see her again

I wish she was would visit in my dreams, but lately when I fall asleep, its as if I plunge into a deep blackness. A place beyond the mind, beyond form, where concious thought and human drama dare not enter.  My sleep swallows me, and no comfort is found in the that dark recess.

I can’t accept that I’ll never see her again

I’m putting together pictures for a slideshow to be played at the memorial service. Photo after photo, my mom’s life summarized in chronological snapshots.  But even though a picture might speak a thousand words, it can’t illuminate a whole life. These photos don’t show her kindness, her charm, her warmth.  She is so much greater than the sum of her parts.

I can’t accept that I’ll never see her again

But it doesn’t matter whether I accept it or not.  Either way, I won’t see her again.

4 thoughts on “nonacceptance

  1. Liz

    Kate- I know I can’t even imagine how much pain you much be in over losing you mother. But I have to say: I think her smile does live on. Every picture I’ve seen of you two together shows me that your smile is her smile. Thinking of you often- Liz


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