a flare

20120607-180528.jpg Sometimes, we manifest our emotional state physically.  I am covered with a red, bumpy ,somewhat-itchy rash. Dermatitis disgustingus. Mom’s Funeral Part Two is this weekend, and I have been struggling with agitation that I don’t know how to express.  I have to go to work, do the laundry, and act normal when what I really want to do is pull out my hair and scream and break a plate or two.  So.  I try to behave normally, and smile, and be a good wife or nurse or grocery shopper, whatever the situation calls for.

But oh, the body does rebel.  There is fire on the inside and, now, on the outside too.  No hiding it anymore.  You can look at my wrists or my thighs or behind my left ear and see the truth,  even though my lips will tell you I’m fine, I’m great, I’m doing well.

Maybe this is doing well.  Maybe this flare of emotion and skin is part of the release, part of what will set me free.  I can only hope so.  In the meantime, I’ll be perfecting the art of scratching myself in public without being noticed.

 

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7 thoughts on “a flare

  1. barbara snow

    I understand exactly how you feel. I’m not sleeping, which is my normal anxiety overload state. And yet, and yet – I can’t wait to see you sweetie. If there’s any consolation to this, it’s that you will be surrounded by people who loved your mother – and you.
    xxooBarb

    Reply
  2. Chatter Master

    I’m sorry your body and heart are going through this. I hope this is the relief, and I’m glad you have others there for you.

    Reply
  3. infertilityawakening

    Oh no, looks quite uncomfortable. I do think that the body speaks to us–louder and louder–until we listen to what the inside needs. I hope that you are able to love, nurture, and be gentle to yourself through this flare and another marker of your mom’s passing. It sounds like you are so wonderful at taking care of others, and now is the time to take care of you and the fire that needs to get out. May you find gentle space for you to grieve and heal.

    Reply
  4. Kathy

    So many times my lips have said “I’m fine” when the rest of me knows I’m not. Usually I can’t sleep or my pain level increases, with more headaches (I have chronic pain). I wish you peace of body, mind, and heart. Take care.

    Reply
  5. JKS

    I hope you take the time to listen to your heart and body and what it is telling you you need. it is there, you will find it.

    Reply

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