good intentions

I’ve started meditating again. I sit in the early morning, when the sky is grey with the barely-risen sun.  Its quiet. Only a few birds bravely voice a song; the pigeons which incessantly lurk around our backyard roost comfortably on the telephone wire, the chickens are nestled in the coop half-dazed with leftover sleep.  I sit for 5-10 minutes, as that’s as long as I can gently rein in my untamed mind before I begin to fatigue.  Its a little bit like starting a fitness program, and in this exercise I’m way out of shape.

And that’s all. I made an intention to meditate for at least 60 seconds every day this week and I did it. But something as simple as sitting on a pillow for a few minutes in the early morning silence took a lot of contemplation. I had been thinking about resuming meditation for the last several years.  Maybe longer. I never had much of a meditation practice to begin with, although it was starting to get more regular 3 years ago.  Until it wasn’t.

I have a curious and enthusiastic soul, but one that often doesn’t follow through. Options and opportunities dangle before me like forbidden fruit, and sometimes I bite, but I often just think and think and think about it (whatever it is), but don’t do a damn thing.

So, I’d like to grow a bit.  To enjoy the beautiful choices which spread before me, but also to commit.  To say yes, to say no.  To be decisive in action or inaction. Jump into new waters with splayed toes and a smile on my face.

It seems silly that my pillow sitting involved so much “what if..?” “or “I should…” or “wouldn’t it be nice…?”  Time I could have spent actually meditating.  Or if not meditating, doing something else that was good and right for me or my life. Well, that’s okay.  Sometimes in life we need to take the scenic route to where we are going.  But I’d like to be clear with my intentions, honest to my needs, brave in facing what lies ahead, and adventurous in choosing my own destiny.