the 100th post

This is my 100th post.  A landmark worth noting, don’t you think?  I started this blog 17 months ago, in the trenches of my mother’s illness.  I barely knew which end was up, but I knew that writing felt good.  So I wrote.

Things have changed a lot in 17 months, which is how long my mom survived after she was diagnosed with lymphoma. Early writings reflected the struggle to find balance during the stresses of caregiving, and the fears of a daughter who also was an oncology nurse.  Who knew too much.  Now, I write to help me navigate through grief.  To help me understand the new world that I inhabit.  The world without my mother.

I’m only now beginning to unravel just how my life is different since her death.  Its a little bit like returning home after many months away in a foreign land.  Nothing has changed: the coffee cup is where it was left in the sink, the shoes lined up just so in the closet. But somehow, everything is new, while simultaneously familiar.  Changed, yet the same.  I’m a different person having gone through my loss, and yet in some ways, I am more me than ever.

This blog has connected me with family that I lost touch with, and old friends of my mom that I have never met. Those that understand what it is to say goodbye, to walk away, to let go.  To smile through the tears.  To see beauty in everything, even heartbreak.  I thank my inspiring and faithful readers, who don’t squeeze their eyes shut when I spill my guts about my dead mother and my bottomless grief.  Who say not “get over it!” but “I understand.”  You have made a difference in my life, and thank you for walking through this with me. I don’t always respond to every thoughtful comment as I should, but know I appreciate your time, your feedback, and your willingness to read my words and take them to heart.

Tomorrow is Mom’s  birthday.  I felt two breaths away from crazy last week, but now I am calm.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring?  No matter what, I know I can write about it.

Thank you.

12 thoughts on “the 100th post

  1. manyhats13

    I have no relationship with my own mother so do find it difficult to relate. However I understand grief and the loss of someone you love for I have experienced that.

    You and I have both found solace in writing. It is a magical gift, a magical “pain killer”, a magical way to connect to family and friends – old and new.

    My cancer journey led me to you, and I am thankful for that.

  2. mainelyhopeful

    Congratulations on your 100th post and Happy Birthday to Mama River. My sister passed away unexpectedly nearly 2 months ago and her birthday is approaching. Like you, every day I am struck by how much is the same, yet so different. I hope you have a beautiful day of memories tomorrow.

  3. jenniferphelpswrites

    Thank you for this. I have just lost my mother in April to a uterine rhabdomyosarcoma; she was 60. Her birthday is just three weeks away. I, too, have found strength and comfort in cataloguing my journey through grief in posts. It has been a remarkable process.

  4. JKS

    I read this on a blog a long time ago, and it struck a chord with me and encouraged me:
    “Words are to be shared not stifled, even when, especially when, they’re big and clumsy and painful.
    The answer is to write. Block out the fear and the critical judgment and the unfounded certainty that you’re not worth hearing, that you’re not good enough, that your words don’t fall into place the way you’d like them to. Stop weighing your own feelings against someone else’s and give your love without expectation. Throw out the rule books and crack wide your heart and honor your own experience, your own honesty, especially you, you who feels isolated. Don’t worry about the numbers in your audience–if you touch one, it will be an immeasurable gift. More importantly, if you unlock your own pain you will be saved. Testify. Keep testifying. Keep writing.”

    Writing is powerful stuff. Perhaps our weapon against grief.
    Cheers friend! JKS

  5. Kathy

    Congrats on your 100th post. I remember mine…I wrote about what a wonderful grandmother my mom was to my kids. Three years and 9 months after my mom’s death, I just wrote post 188. Writing is a good thing. It helps you to express your thoughts and feelings, and also helps others. Keep writing and healing. A world without a mother is hard, and for me, not what I expected. I have connected to your writing. Thank you.

  6. Heart To Harp

    I have been so moved by your writing, by the honesty of your words, by your courage to stare at grief eye-to-eye without shrinking away from either the pain or the grace that it can bring. I hope that I will get to read many 100’s more posts on your blog.


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