seeking in the darkness

These days I can’t sleep. I have tried sorts of measures: drugs, teas, homeopathic herbs, meditation, alcohol, acupuncture. Nothing helps with any consistency.  My eyes are wide open in the darkness. The early morning is a quiet, otherworldly time, laced with the nonsensical. My heartbeat is noisy in my ears. Minutes stand still yet hours fly by. I wander barefoot on hard tile floors, a specter in my own home. Sometimes I stagger outside and the cold air shocks my skin, reminding me of my mortality.

If I could make contact with my mother, it would have to be here, in this space where my spirit seems slightly disconnected from my body, where time and space take on a different texture. Irrationally, I believe if I could make contact with her, if her ghost could tuck me in and rub my back as if I were a colicky baby, then I could fall into a heavy and restful sleep. She could soothe my worries and I could drift away in the sunlight of her smile. But I feel nothing except the dog pressing against my leg, a reflexive attempt to keep me grounded. I see nothing, no green lights floating in the darkness, no ghostly shadows of her smile. I don’t feel soothed.

Even in the witching hours, magical thinking fails me. I seek her in the blackness and find nothing, Frustrated with my empty grasp, I think ugly thoughts about everyone who ever said “yes, my loved one is gone, but I feel them with me all the time.” Comically, a group that includes me. So I keep wandering, or lying still in the darkness, listening to my breathing, until my soul gives up this endless searching and I collapse into a fitful sleep for another few hours.

14 thoughts on “seeking in the darkness

  1. Nicoleh

    After i read this post i can unfortunetly relate. There are times i do feel my mother and i seem to feel her when i truly need her the most. Unfortunetly we are in this terrible club of Daughters who have lost there mothers way to soon. I lost my mother this past May and the grief is a grief that nobody can understand until the lose their own mother. One thing that makes me feel “close” to having my mom on this earth world now rhat she is in heaven is i had memory bears made out of her clothes. This helps when i need to feel closer to her. I understand your grief all to well I am sorry for your loss

  2. Chatter Master

    When my dad died I waited, looked, searched, anticipated him giving me comfort of some kind. It wasn’t until I allowed life to pick me up and carry me with it that I started to feel he may be telling me things. I even dreamed about him years later. Funny dreams, which is what he would have wanted. I hope you feel her, soon.

  3. Martha Goudey

    I once felt as if I heard mom speak to me. I almost had to hold my breath and listen more deeply than I ever had, but I received a message I cherish still. My experience may or may not be usual. At times I think I conjured it. But in other small ways I sense her, even if it’s just her voice in my mind telling me as she always did, “It will all work out.”
    If you haven’t read Cheryl Strayed’s books, Torch and Wild, they might be good reads in the night when you can’t sleep. Both are moving memoirs that have to do with her mother’s death when Cheryl was 22. (She’s now 44, I think.) Here’s the link to Wild:
    May your mother find you in your sleepless nights and sooth you back to sleep.

  4. Kathy

    I close my eyes to sleep and my brain turns on. I write posts in my mind. Sometimes I get up and write and other times I refuse to do so. I need to sleep, so I try to turn my brain off. In the darkness of the night I wonder where my mom is. I hope she will appear before me. I long to sleep and dream of her. It doesn’t happen. I often talk to my mom, waiting for sleep to come. I wish you peace and sleep tonight.

  5. kjpaints

    I know what you’re going through and I know it feels awful and that it will never end. She will come to you at some point, I know she will. I know you said you’ve tried drugs, but if you haven’t tried antidepressants or Vitamin B-6, I would strongly suggest them. They help me a lot and the many people I’ve recommended them to have been helped as well. Just a suggestion.
    I really hope you get a visit from your mother soon. I know it will bring you peace.

  6. Nextie

    When my father was alive, I had a lot of spiritual experiences through dreaming and coincidence with him. Being an only a moderately spiritual person when it comes to the unseen, when he died, I thought, “OK, this is it. If there is an afterlife, this is the man that will show me.” But nothing. I’ve had one dream in 5 years and it was of little import. But that’s OK. Now, I know.


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