i couldn’t stick the feeling 

I am ordinary in appearance, but before baby I could easily feel beautiful, sexy. Not every minute of every day, but I had my mojo. I never struggled with body image the way so many other women seemed to. I appreciated how strong I was, tanned skin shining over the curves of muscle. My eyes were bright. There was a sway in my hips. 

A prenatal yoga teacher shared with our class that dissatisfaction with body image tends to peak around 6 months postpartum. I guess I paid attention, but it seemed inconceivable in the early days, right after I sweated and growled and with a holler pushed out my very own 9 lb wonder. I felt like a fucking warrior goddess, a many- armed Hindu diety, weapons shinning, tongue lolling, dancing on the edge of the world. Hell yes. 

I wasn’t able to stick the feeling, though. Soon, I felt dumpy, flabby. My self image plummeted right along with my estrogen levels. And I’m talking about feelings versus what the outside looks like, but I’m not the mama who “bounced back” after childbirth, whatever the fuck that means. 1 year later, overweight, overwrought, I certainly don’t look like I used to, but what bothers me the most is I just don’t feel beautiful anymore. 

I know I am. We humans ALL are. My feelings have nothing to do with reality. But misleading as it may be, this feeling of ugliness matters somehow, and I wish I could shake it. 

I know hiking helps. Dancing helps. Laughing helps. And nothing stays the same, so I know this feeling won’t either. But maybe this overstaying its welcome because I’m not done here, there’s something I need to learn or let go of or foster before this dissatisfaction can move on. 

2 thoughts on “i couldn’t stick the feeling 

  1. emmaonline898

    Love this post. I can relate so much to what your saying.. my daughter is 9 months and I feel the same way about myself. But we got to love our bodies, especially after what we created 😊. X

  2. Janice Tulluck

    Just hang in there. That little pumpkin will be up and going like nobody’s business faster than you can imagine, and you will be going and doing all day long. The quiet of naptime will take on a whole new meaning lol. The innocence of discovering everything for the first time is such a gift to share. It will renew your spirit and deepen your experience with the joy of giving that love to your kiddo. I have been reading your posts, because they allow me to experience being out in nature myself. My health no longer allows me to venture off the pavement, and I miss it terribly. I worked in a lab and the chemicals did me in. My skin is so damaged that any thoughts of beauty and sexiness have dissolved completely. Having a child has temporarily changed your body, but I know from your writing that you will come back to the body you are realizing you took for granted. Part of the reason you are not feeling so sexy and desirable is creator’s way of keeping you dedicated to being a good mom. Babies can be all consuming. It is a huge giveaway of freedom and spontaneity. It finally sinks in that your little sidekick comes with a lot of commitment and sacrifice, and then they start walking… She will soon be able to go, go, go, and the feelings you are experiencing will vanish with every sunrise as you get to share your love of nature in such deep and meaningful ways. Blessings to you, and joy for at what’s ahead.


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