broke (a confession)

Money has been flowing like water through my fingers. An expensive month I could say, kicking a pebble on the ground with the toe of a dirty sneaker, and I wouldn’t be wrong. But I still feel like a failure. There were many months when the flow appeared abundant, and I spent and I spent. Some costs were unavoidable, others were simply for pleasure, to relish in the joys of the physical world. Now, savings gouged, I feel queasy. I could have done better.

My shoulders slump with the responsibilities of the middle-aged: it seems that everything matters more now.  My choices impact not only my future and my partner’s future but my daughter’s as well. I say I desire fiscal responsibilty and frugality at home but I promptly trip over hedonistic roots and stumble on my way to a more free financial future and meaningful life. There is so much to want in this world.  I want the pizza and beer.  I want the coffee in a paper cup. I want the shoes. I want the bike.

But more importantly, I want peace. I want love. I want undisturbed sleep, I want to worry less. I want more time with you. I want more time with myself. I want to make fewer decisions. I want a healthier, safer world. These things are harder to come by. So I get the pizza and beer, the coffee, the shoes, the bike. But the wanting continues.

5 thoughts on “broke (a confession)

  1. Susie Meserve

    Amen, sister. This time of year, with taxes, still digging out from holidays, always feels so tough. And it always feels like a referendum on my adulthood when I have to dig into savings or budget or whatever, like I’m SO irresponsible. All of which is to say, I get it, I get it, I get it. Here’s hoping some wealth comes your way soon. And the other kind of abundance, too.

    Reply
  2. Barbara snow

    It seems like we spend the first half of our lives accumulating things and the second half getting rid of them. I’m now only interested in experiences. And comfortable shoes. And nice soap. And good food. And—-
    You know what – never mind. You are far ahead of most people in recognizing wants and needs.
    Love you.

    Reply
  3. chapz

    Woow….. it felt as just like couple of years ago….

    The only solution to have all of these physical needs and mental/inner needs, real freedom, financially and mentally freedom is to have a passive income….. 🙂

    I’m happy to help you on that. Till then…. I’ll pray for you to get better and better….

    Reply

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