Happy Birthday

My mother would have been 68 years old today. 10 years ago, she celebrated her last birthday.

Her absence has transformed from a gaping. bleeding hole in my chest to a shadowy, peripheral thing. Ephemeral yet always present. Not always noticed except when it’s all I can see

My life is so different now than when she was here. The world seems so different too. Macro and micro. Those of us still alive have seen and survived so much since 2011. But I never cease being her child. I still foolishly seek her imaginary advice or approval. She is still the yardstick I measure everything against, especially my shortcomings.

I wish she could have seen me become a mother, meet my kids. Enjoyed retirement, and some years with less caregiving responsibilities. I don’t know that longing for the impossible serves me, but on this day I can’t help myself.

Happy birthday.

1 thought on “Happy Birthday

  1. Babs

    She would have been so proud of you and how you are with your family. I like to think she’s watching over me – gently tugging on my sleeve when I’m about to go off the rails. My WWJD is always – What would Janelle do?
    Sending you love today and always.

    Reply

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