doing “okay”

I’m back at work.  It feels good, returning to my routines and a semblance of a normal life, whatever that is.  People ask me all the time if I’m okay, and I don’t really know how to answer that question, other than to thank them for their concern.  I haven’t figured out what it means to be okay.  I’m getting out of bed.  I’m working a full 8+ hours. I’m eating lots of Christmas cookies, and probably regaining the weight that I lost over the last month.  I’m now sleeping, with the aid of pharmacotherapeutics.  I don’t cry more than two or three times a day. So, yeah, maybe I am doing well. 

I also feel suspended in denial– it hasn’t fully sunk in yet that my mother is dead.  I still think about calling her everyday. I check my phone inadvertently for messages from her; my heart jumped in my chest this evening when I saw a call missed from “Mom, Home” (it was my stepfather phoning me, of course). Maybe if it really sunk in that I’ll never ever recieve a call from her again, I wouldn’t be showing up to work and being productive and “doing okay.”  

*  *  *

Mom’s services will be held on January 6th in Surprise– check out her CaringBridge for more details.  I’m eager to get back to Minnesota, and we will also be doing a service there sometime in the spring.  I feel numb and bewildered, but I do know it will feel good to get back to the place where it all began; the place that was home to me, and to Mom, at the very beginning of life.

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2 thoughts on “doing “okay”

  1. Barbara Snow

    I can fully empathize with everything you are feeling. I remember when my Dad died, all I wanted to do was go back to my “normal” life – whatever that was. Give yourself a break for the first year of firsts – all the holidays without her. It will get better. Until then, use whatever pharmaceuticals needed to get through it. That’s what they’re there for. And remember that there are many people who love you and are just a phone call away, should you need it.
    Much love to you and the family.
    Barb

    Reply
  2. Naomi

    Katy, I’m listening and holding you in my heart. After my dad passed, I frequented Hyland park’s less traveled trails and walked, walked, walked. Love, Naomi

    Reply

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